I missed writing. I didn’t miss having a reason to write because, let’s face it, my ideas thrive in misery, depression, self pity and victimization. So, what better time than now, when I’m extra hormonal and sensitive due to my PMS, to write down some ideas and maybe, hopefully purge the bad thoughts away.

I’m still searching for a cure, for an A-ha switch in my brain that would make me able to walk like I used to. Because I’m tired of this slightly bitter and oh, so sweet situation I find myself in. I’ve never felt more loved, protected, accepted and understood and yet, the tiny dwarf dressed like the Dark Lord of the Sith is still there, telling me I could have more, could do more with the guy I love and loves me, I could offer more and we could have more experiences together if I hadn’t been so obnoxiously stupid and stubborn three years ago.

Feeling all these feelings I figured I haven’t yet forgiven myself. I’m so angry at myself, I am so disappointed in my past decisions that, if I would have the possibility to time travel I would beat the shit out of my past self using my cane. Like a Tarantino blood filled scene in which my present self is just going all out on my past self. “You stupid, selfish, stubborn, victim of a cunt! You are making your parents suffer, you are making your friends suffer and you will make an amazing guy suffer if you don’t stop this bullshit! You are such a selfish piece of shit!”

I agree, that’s not a good pep talk. Those are not good, uplifting, inspiring, motivational words, but sometimes you gotta blow off some steam and let the anger out.

Thinking of the five stages of grief, I think I’m all over the place with them, maybe except denial, because it’s not like I’m entering myself up in a marathon. So I’m playing a four way Russian roulette with anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, depending on my mood, on the activities I have to do during the day and on the events that trigger me. I am angry at myself, I’m bargaining with the Universe that if I stop doing some things or start doing other things I’ll get better, I sometimes feel hopeless and depressed and other times confident and embracing my present state. One word: FUN!!!

I started writing this post Saturday morning and, like every time things are aligned and ment to be, the Universe did not wait too much to give me a sign because Saturday evening I watched Batman Begins. You could ask yourself what does a DC superhero movie have to do with all of this? Well, everything. Even though I knew some parts of Batman’s story, it never really clicked in my head the way it did yesterday. One of the lines that stuck with me was “What you really fear is inside yourself. You fear your own power. You fear your anger, the drive to do great or terrible things.” You see, in therapy I learned that what lies beneath all the anger is almost every time fear and, on a comprehensive level I understood, it all made sense. But now I felt it. Yes, I am afraid of what I am capable of doing to myself, I am afraid of my stubbornness, my ego and my pride. I don’t like this self-destructive side of me and I fear it because three years ago I was more than convinced I was doing the right thing. Until I wasn’t.

You see, now I have to live with the effects of my poor decisions, doubting myself and being mad at myself. There’s nobody else to blame, trust me, I’ve tried. It all comes down to me. And my ego loves this ME, ME, ME story, loves to pose as a martyr, a victim, a warrior, a hero. But I built the martyr’s cross, I made myself a victim, I am at war with myself and nobody sees me as a hero. So, fuck off ego.

Bruce Wayne accepted his fear of bats, worked on it, overcame it, built a whole new persona on it and then even summoned bats to his help. So maybe I need to do the same. Embrace my worst fears, giving them a big hug while assuring them that I see them, I accept them and that they have no destructive power over me, so why not become allies?

I thought my biggest fear is not being able to wash, feed or clothe myself, basically being dependent on someone to live. But no, I am most afraid of myself.

Bruce Wayne didn’t dwell on his fears, on his remorse and the guilt he felt for asking his parents that night to leave the opera early because he saw some bats on stage. Instead, he worked his way up to silencing his mind and taming his fears and created an awesome superhero.

“Why do we fall, Bruce? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up again.” Maybe, just maybe fear’s greatest role is to show us how strong and capable we really are. Let’s face it, people don’t need diseases or wars to be afraid. People are constantly afraid of something: not being pretty enough, not being smart enough, not getting paid enough, being late or being too early, being fired, being broken up with or one of their loved ones dying. Seven billion people being afraid on this planet and Earth still turns, people still fall in love, go on interviews, have children and bulit businesses.

“Fear is a tool. When an enemy knows you fear something, they can use it against you.”

This post may seem all over the place, I know. As I started writing I wanted to talk all about anger and rage and frustration, then Batman opened my eyes and I dug even deeper and realized I needed to talk about my fears. So I need to calm down, make peace with my destructive, sabotaging side and star using it in a constructive way because the power and the possibilities are there, they just need to directed in the right way. The power to destroy is equal to the power to create just as the power of indifference is equal to the power of love. Direction is all that matters.