On Tuesday I celebrated my birthday with my family and on Friday I took my friends out for a couple or two or three (but who’s counting when you’re having fun) of drinks. It got me thinking of how lost and purposeless I felt last year and, even though their company helped make everything seem a little brighter, darkness was still there.

Then I felt the need to write a review of the year that has just ended because, let’s face it, it has been one of the best years of my life. These past six months compete with the period of time between my Erasmus months and the end of 2019 and maybe with those three months of lockdown when, although I was stressed, I enjoyed my own company, the long walks and the unscheduled days.

I figured I wrote a post about my mom, my dad, my two best friends so why not write about my boyfriend? Well, because I am scared he’s not gonna like it. You see, he doesn’t like praising and he’s a very discreet dude so a long post with me blabbering on about him would only make him uncomfortable.

So here my selfish narcissistic ego comes in handy. Instead of me going on and on about his qualities and what I like about him, I’m gonna talk about me and how I changed over the last six months.

As I said before, my zest for life, my want to do stuff, to get out of the house, to dress nicely, to be involved, to show up has greatly improved. I go out more, I say yes more, I am looking forward to events, to moments, to movies or concerts, I am participating more in this thing called life. He has taught me that, when there is a will, there is a way. He is very accommodating and he always finds a simple and effective solution to the blockages I imagine. When I say “No, because this or that or the other” he finds a way. An easy, logic and Mary-adapted way.

On the more subtle side, I am starting to feel beautiful and worthy of love. When I see myself through his eyes, I am pleased, if not happy and deeply satisfied with the woman I am. He has a way of looking at me that makes me feel like I am more than enough. With his care and consideration, he has taught me to love and appreciate myself.

On the other hand, I am starting to learn that perfection is only for those who do not live. You see, I have this urge to always tidy up, to always arrange everything in straight lines, parallel or perpendicular, depending on the case, to always put everything back to its place, the place I consider most appropriate and no other. After living on my own for quite a while, I got used to not having these OCD-like behaviors questioned or changed. Now I realize that, at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter where the toilet paper stays, as long as you can reach it when needed and it doesn’t really matter if the sides of the blanket are aligned with the sides of the bed. What matters is that you laughed, you had someone to share your thoughts with, you felt heard, understood and loved.

Now onto the more challenging aspects. I thought I was always right and that my way is better than anyone else’s. I was very rigid, very caught up in my ideas. After arguing once or twice, I started to notice how stupidly stubborn I was acting. No room for another’s opinion, no room for his perspective, room only for my interpretation of the situation. He calls out my bullshit and, as we get to know each other more, he cannot be fooled. Even though in the midst of it all this annoys the shit out of me, when I calm down and look back at what he said or did, annoyingly, he is right. He tells me to my face when I’m too impulsive, too stubborn, too spoiled or too rigid. No sugar coating it.

Since we’ve known each other, we have laughed a lot because, let’s face it, I’m very funny, I’m a hoot. I make his life better and more amusing. I am a blessing, but not in disguise. Kidding aside, he makes me laugh at the silliest lines, the well timed jokes and at his funny faces or sounds. He’s a pleasure to listen to and he is one of the funniest people I know. When I think back to some of his best jokes I still smile or even laugh out loud.

The next part I’m going to write just because I know he hates compliments and he doesn’t like when I overdo it with praising him. He feels I placed him on a pedestal and that I am stupidly blinded by love. Maybe I am. But I don’t see his flaws as horrible or a deal breaker, I just think of them as parts of his character that I’m not totally in sync with and that I can tolerate. He has a bit of ADD, he likes his gadgets maybe too much, he sometimes interrupts my ideas just to say his, he has a selfish side (don’t we all), he sometimes suffers from FOMO and is used to being a lone wolf. Are these off putting deal breakers? No. Could I live without them? Yes. Do they bother me? Sometimes. Can I accept them? Yes.

He has seen and felt most of my flaws, he has teased me for them and he has accepted them. At the end of the day, these don’t matter that much. Maybe I praise him too much, but he has taught me plenty in this short amount of time. I am more feminine, more vulnerable, more flexible and more accepting. Not because of him, but through him. He’s like a teacher, the subjects being relationships and life.

I saved the best for last. The most amazing thing is that when I’m with him, I don’t think 24/7 of my disability. It sometimes creeps up and fucks up the whole mood, as I’ve said in my last post, but it’s not there all the time. Because we make it work. Is it ideal? No. But what is ideal? Something imagined, and this is real. Dreams, and this is reality. Knights in shiny armor, and he is a real man of flesh and bone and mind and spirit. He helps me not feel like a handicapped girl, but like an appreciated woman. And for that I am most grateful. He showed me that there is life after a health challenge, there are possibilities after a cane and there is love after despair. You just have to be nifty.

So thank you, boo. I’ve shown you some of my most meh parts. In the beginning I’ve told you my most meh stories to try to push you away, afraid we’d both suffer if things got serious. But still I find you there, next to me. And, damn, I’m so happy for that.