For the past couple of weeks I’ve been having this itch to write a post. I searched for inspiration in movies, in books, in songs, in real life but, as it was predicted, being in love has made me a bad writer.

Yesterday I went to a concert and, for whatever reason, I felt very emotional and my eyes got all wet. I started listening to the intrusive thoughts in my head and they got the best of me. Truth be told, my soul has never been happier, but my ego has never been angrier. This on-going battle between heart and mind, between feeling and thinking, between just letting go and clinging to every fucking thought is very annoying. You see, my health challenges have truly humbled me. But once in a while, my ego is sick of learning lessons, of shutting up and of evolving. Once in a while my ego wants to be heard and acknowledged. Now is one of those times.

I hope that this purging through writing will give it the attention it so needs and maybe, just maybe, my ego will shut the fuck up for a period of time.

What does my ego say, you ask? Well, I’m gonna let it all out. Hey, Universe, why did I have to meet this awesome guy right now? Why do I have to be helped? Why do I need a cane? What the actual fuck were you planning when you decided that we should meet right here and right now and in these circumstances? Fucking shit. Why do strangers offer to help me? Why do a few sets of stairs feel like a workout? Why do I have to plan every outing? Why? Why? Why? My ego is furious on the Universe. Why do I have to be challenged? I want to take long walks, I want to go on hikes, I want to go to the gym, I want to drive, I want to dance, I want to and I want to and I want to but especially, I want to enjoy life at its fullest with the guy I love.

Rant over. As you can tell, my ego is very narcissistic, likes to whine, is a fan of victimization and seeks the attention of others. Not too shabby, you can say. Nice qualities for an ego. Jackpot! Even though I am well aware that the voices in my head are not helping and that they never will, some days they take over. I’ve been hiding feelings and fears and thoughts for as long as I can remember. Letting them pour out on the great internet is terrifying but also freeing. You know why? ‘Cause when I read them again to check for typos, I started laughing. Damn, I’m a narcissistic whiny attention seeker of a victim. My ego is so dumb.

I mean, I have never been happier. I have never enjoyed life like this in quite a while, I have never felt more loved and appreciated. So why am I complaining? For a minor hiccup along the way? For the fact that I can actually do stuff, maybe not in the ordinary way, but I can live a quasi normal life? You drama lama…

You see, my theory is that my soul needed this kind of an experience. Maybe it’s a dumb theory, but it pleases me more than the idea of randomness. So, as my soul indulges in this experience, ticking some boxes that maybe weren’t ticked growing up, my ego is fighting with its perverse ways to put me down, to try to make me blue and sad and depressed. Well, I’ve outed you, ego! What are you going to do now, you coward? You are exposed, all eyes on you. Are you still talking? Are you still creating silly scenarios?

For some reason, I imagine my ego now as a naked, dirty fugitive villain, running away in a dark forest, being chased by cars. Suddenly, all the cars surround him and he is temporarily blinded by the lights. He falls on his knees, arms up in the air and he surrenders. No more drama, no more stupid thoughts, no more victimization or whining. Game over!

The cure for ego (besides a good car chase) is love. There were some serendipitous moments over the last couple of months. When I thought I’m not enough, I surprised him looking at me. I felt enough. When I thought I’m more of a burden than a companion, he took my hand and caressed it. I felt like a companion. When I thought he could do better than me, he gave me a hug. I felt like his good match. When I thought what the hell he sees in me, he kissed my forehead. I felt seen and appreciated. You see, thoughts are the enemy of feelings. Because when you think too much, aspect of which I am abundantly guilty of, there’s no time left to feel. When you analyze too much, there’s no time left to enjoy life. And when you “ego” too much, there’s no more time to “soul”.

Safe to say, this purging has helped me. I truly hope you can also see the good and amusing aspects of this post and maybe start making fun of your own ego. Sarcasm and jokes are some quite handy weapons when dealing with your mind. You hurt it right in its core, because ego doesn’t appreciate being made fun of. Ego is important, therefore ego must not be mocked. Bullshit. Mock away! Laugh at your own intrusive thoughts! Make fun of your stupid scenarios! Muhaha, ego stands no chance in the face of sarcasm because, at the end of the day, something’s gotta give.