Every time I’ve listened to Meat Loaf’s song I’d Do Anything for Love, as soon as the lyrics “But I won’t do that” came along, even as a little girl, I wondered what is that thing that he wouldn’t do. Because in my naive perception, there wouldn’t be anything I wouldn’t do for that feeling. So I was curious as to what this bizzare looking old school rocker considers appropriate to refuse in order to receive the most wanted feeling of them all: being loved, being appreciated, belonging to someone forever and ever and just being accepted for what you are (or pretend to be).

So, as my spiritual evolution or, let’s say, journey, continued, I came to the heart breaking realization that “never have I ever” loved myself. Not in any way whatsoever: mind, body, soul or spirit. Of course I was proud of some of my features, my ego was very happy and content that I’m knowledgeable and sarcastic, that I make people laugh and things like that, but in the solitude of my mind, it was never enough. I was never witty enough, thin enough, fit enough, fast enough, brave enough, healthy enough, pretty enough, flirty enough or interesting enough. Just put an adjective and after it the word “enough” and those were my thoughts.

In my pursuit of romantic love, I had the idiotic pattern of molding my personality after that of my crush or romantic interest. If he liked a certain type of music, I would start listening to that genre. If he went to certain places, I would find myself carelessly gallivanting around those places and then acting surprised if I were to bump into said person. I once even laughed while one of my crush’s closest friends threw tiny spit bubbles at me, some of them landing on my face, because it was his new “party trick”, a sort of pinwheel of spit, if you will. It wasn’t as disgusting as it sounds, it was a sort of “Say it, don’t spray it” sensation, but the fact that it was voluntary and with the purpose of testing my “fun limits”, made me feel sick to my stomach as I was laughingly approving the behavior.

All in all, none of these strategies of mine managed to make me feel loved. On the contrary, they made me feel used. None of the guys ever asked me to change or modify something, but it just made sense in my mind to try to be as similar to them as possible because then they would love me forever.

Now, before we move on, just think of some moments in your life when you acted alike: when you said “yes” when wanting to say “no”, when you dyed your hair just to impress someone, when you went to a place just to feel part of a group, when you laughed when wanting to cry, when you stayed while wanting to leave, when you basically betrayed yourself trying to convince someone to accept and love you. Did it work out? Even if it momentarily seemed like it worked and you received all the love and all the attention, my realization is that, if you don’t feel it yourself for yourself and for your life, external love is like putting a band aid over a wound filled with pus.

Because, unlike Unagi, love is something you are, not something you have. Love for oneself should be taught in schools, should be cultivated in each and every one of us. Why? Because people who validate themselves are relaxed. People who love themselves can love others. People who accept their uniqueness can accept the uniqueness of others. People who embraces their shadows and their gifts are more tolerant with the shadows of others and more appreciative of their gifts. People who approve of themselves don’t need the approval of others, so the rate of conflicts and heated discussions might decrease. People who are balanced are less likely to feed on comparison and showing off.

The glitch is we are taught that loving ourselves is narcissistic. We are told never to be proud of ourselves because then we wouldn’t perform as well as we did. We need to always strive for something better. We are told that accepting ourselves is a form of laziness and that we should always find ways to better ourselves. We are told that if we embrace our shadows, we will never evolve.

Bullshit. Just think of a cat. A cat loves itself more than anything, a cat is proud when using the litter box or when catching a fly, a cat is elegant, confident, balanced and carefree. And is one of the most loving creatures in the world.

So, to conclude this maybe exhaustive reflection on love, the pledge I would like to take is that I won’t betray myself ever again for love. I won’t do that…