No news is good news, right? Well, Paul Bäumer would disagree, as the day of his death was noted as “All quiet on the western front”, at the end of the First World War.

In my case, no news is no news. December was a shit show and I’m not speaking only figuratively. My birthday, the big 3-0 was the highlight of the month and maybe the fact that I survived all the guilt, frustration, hate, anger and desperation.

January felt like a year, as it always does. I had an online appointment with a shrink and the conclusion was that I was not depressed, just had a difficulty in accepting and accommodating with reality. Let’s pop the champagne, I don’t need antidepressants.

February, I don’t remember much about it, just days starting and ending, weekends filled with an online course, snow that kept me indoors even more than usual and some happy talks and laughs with my friends.

March, ah, the beginning of spring and the perfect moment for us, humans to rebirth an learn from nature that, no matter how hard winter is, the flowers will bloom, the leaves will fill the branches, the bees will buzz, the birds will sing and the mosquitoes will annoy us once more. Well, what changed for me in March was the cold shower I received when I realized, once more and maybe a bit more profoundly, that my life will never, ever, ever turn out as I planned it. And maybe that’s not a bad thing. Well, good or bad, it’s not something I can one hundred percent control. Of course, I’m not gonna jump in front of a train or go rock climbing while still needing Mr. Cane, but you get the point. I cannot control many aspects of my life and that scared the shit out of me.

Fast forward to April, an idea for a post emerged as I was listening to a podcast. How millennial of me, searching for meaning and a possible cure in a conversation between two individuals on an online platform. Plato or Socrates would be impressed. Why go outside or listen to nature or just sit on the beach and contemplate life, when, with just a click of a button you can listen to other people’s opinions, ideas and thoughts and make them your own? Sarcasm aside, this podcast made me realize something: when I first started this healing journey, when my body started to act up, back in August 2021, I was sure I made all the right decisions and, even more dangerous, I was focused only on the how, the when and a faulty why.

My how was through other people: I tried acupuncture, magnetic therapy, homeopathy, essential oils, Reiki, Bowen, phytotherapy, you name it. If there was a one percent possibility of healing and someone offered it to me, I took it. I tried them all at once, each one on a different day or week, I had such a full schedule of supplements, drinks and procedures. My physical body was tired, my mind was confused as none of the methods had proven effective and my heart was aching because I was feeling worse everyday.

As an impatient creature, my when was now or, even better, yesterday. I wanted to see results. If I meditated at 12:00 PM, by 12:05PM the same day I wanted to go hiking or run the New York City marathon. Not seeing the results I expected and felt I deserved after all my dedication to all the methods mentioned above, I felt really frustrated, angry, hurt and betrayed.

Moving on to the why, well, my why for healing was very egocentric. I wanted to be the first patient to cure herself miraculously, I pictured reporters following me around asking questions and desperately wanting to know the secret to my success. Even more, I wanted to prove Western medicine wrong and I did it all in spite of my mother. A sort of “I’ll show you, suckers, you’re all wrong! Look at me, pissing all over your theories and ideas. Look at me healing.“

A pretty shaky foundation to start my journey, wouldn’t you say? I gave up my power to other methods, I didn’t trust the timing of the process and I did it all just to show off and prove my mother wrong. Good job healing or just trying to feel better with these feelings being the fuel.

Going back to the podcast I was just listening to, the guest said that, when manifesting or meditating on something, one should focus on the what and the why, and put aside the how, the when and the who, because the last three aspects only bring resistance and limit the possibilities of your goal manifesting itself. As a control freak, this is a tough lesson for me. But, seeing as the method I believed to be the one turned out to bring only frustration, guilt, anger and sadness, what do I have to lose? At this point, not much.

As the Bleachers’ song goes, “The tiniest moves you make/ The whole damn world shakes”, we are the only ones responsible for our well being. Not a magical cure, not the supplements, not the doctors, not our close ones. Of course, they help, but only when you decide you want help and you begin by helping yourself first. Then, the pieces of the puzzle start fitting and you begin to see the bigger picture. Until then, you could be touched by God and not get well or not get what you desired.

So, my intention is to be more calm and patient, to let go of the when, who and how, to embrace the changes and to forgive myself for my oh, so many mistakes.