Every time I write a post, something, like a line from a movie, a song or a line someone said, had triggered an idea in me. So I start with the title and build up on that. Doesn’t matter if it’s a movie title or a verse from a song, the title always comes first. As a creature of habit, it’s very hard for me to break this cycle. Because, this time, I have no title, no inspiration, no verse or title or line. It’s just an idea I had while walking to the bus station. So, I’m gonna name this post Untitled, just because.

Maybe it’s a good metaphor for my need not to be categorized, labeled or, even more, not to label myself. Because, for the past weeks, as I’ve told you before, I’ve been labeling myself: stupid, handicapped, selfish, idiotic, useless, dependent, pointless, purposeless and hopeless.

The feedback on my last post was amazing, many friends and close ones messaged telling me how amazing and brave and strong I am and how I don’t complain and whine. I felt like an impostor. Because, in my mind, I do whine and complain and wish I did things differently, I blame myself, hate myself and discredit myself.

The book I’m reading at the moment comes just to show me how important thoughts are. And mine haven’t been good. I didn’t do my physical exercises, I looked at myself in the mirror and said bad words to myself, I woke up wishing I didn’t and I felt like there is no point in hoping or wishing or evolving. I got caught up in this whirlpool of feeling good for feeling bad, feeling special for feeling sick, feeling like a martyr for just showing up.

So, how have I worked on myself? The honest truth is that I haven’t and I have to openly admit that. I have eaten absurd amounts of sugar, I have said an absurd amount of discredits to myself and I have hated every moment over the past month. So what am I doing?

I’m slowly killing myself while waiting for a miracle from above. I’m giving all the responsibilities of healing to an external force, whether that is a divine one, a medical cure or some good thoughts from my close ones. Would you help a person who is willingly doing harm to him or herself? ‘Cause I wouldn’t.

Coming back to the idea that triggered this post, I thought to myself that our bodies do so many stuff without an explicit order from our mind: we breathe, we hear, we see, we smell, our hearts beat, our kidneys filter water, our livers detox, our stomachs digest, our skin protects us and our brains coordinate it all. And here I am feeling floopy because, for a time in my life, just one of the many functions we take for granted wants to take a break. Even more, I’ve talked with several close friends and, believe it or not, we’re going through the same frustrations, even if the causes are different.

So, maybe we’re just growing up. But growing up is not just about adding years to our portfolio, it’s also owning up to your mistakes, being responsible for your behavior, taking action and, most importantly, forgiving yourself. It’s not about hoping for a better future, it’s about making the best of the present time.

Thank you for you care and your amazing words of support, I am owning up to them and I want to prove you right. Because if I don’t give myself any chances, why would you or the Universe do so? I love you all.