What is the legacy you want to leave behind?

If I were to answer this question ten years ago, I would have chosen, by all means, the legacy of being a well known doctor. Better said, the legacy of acknowledgment. Where did this come from? Well, from my egotistical need of being accepted and, even more, praised. Hip hip hooray and Magna cum laude and all that shit. I learned and I learned and I learned, thinking that being in the top of my class equals an excellent life.

Having chosen a medical area that doesn’t really save lives or treat the untreatable, my ego soon understood that legacy by profession was not an option. Regarding the relationship between good grades and a good life, even though I was always in the top ten of my year, depression, dissatisfaction and criticism never failed to creep up when I least expected them.

Time passed and, when my multiple sclerosis started acting up, my ego did too. I so desperately wanted to prove to the medical world and to my parents that I can cure this with alternative methods, that I almost ended up in a wheelchair. Maria 0, my ego 2. I was so mesmerized with the idea of becoming the first ever MS pacient to cure herself, I was so drunk on the idea of proving my mom wrong and forcing her to admit, for once, that I was right, that I lost sight of how my body was reacting. I was slowly, but surely sacrificing my well-being for the sake of my ego.

Hopefully, I feel that I am starting to learn my lessons. I am detaching myself from the illusions my ego painted for me. The idea of being a famous doctor is, thankfully, just a memory. I still struggle with forcing my mom to admit when I’m right, but what would life be without some challenges along the way, right?

Now that life has so brutally shown me what I didn’t want to learn the easy way, my answer is oh, so very, very different. Being inspired by the band fun. and their lyrics “If you’re lost and alone, or you’re sinkin’ like a stone/
Carry on” I realized that the things I would like to leave behind are perseverance, will and strength. I would like to be remembered as someone who faced difficulties with a bit of dignity, a bit of power and a lot of faith. Because, at the end of the day, this life is all we have. And we should fight for it as long as we can breathe.

That was the masculine, pragmatic part of me speaking. As for the feminine one, my answer has to be joy, awe and love. I find that happiness is sometimes so unattainable and fleeting, that you realize you were happy only after it has passed. Happiness has a dose of nostalgia to it, if you were to ask me. Joy, on the other hand, is more of a sensation than a feeling. Joy is a state of being, maybe more palpable than happiness. I would like to be remembered as a joyous woman, able to love life and live it very present, as to be able to be in awe of its magic.

But, most of all, I think I would like to leave behind the idea of kindness. Kindness towards others, but, most of all, kindness towards oneself. I have been my harshest critic, my own worst enemy and every day I learn what and how to forgive myself for my mistakes and how to be kinder, gentler and more loving.

As I previewed the post I realized that the beauty of all I want to leave as a legacy would be if I could manage to find the balance, the ideal dosage of feminine and masculine, of yin and yang, of dark and light. To be the silent warrior, to be the joyous soldier, to be the gentle general. Oh, I thinks that’s the key to a well lived life: the ups and downs, the joys and the sorrows, the laughs and the cries, all faced with love and acceptance.